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The Joys of Making a Birthday Cake for You and Your Hippie, Diet-Restricted, Mama Friends

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See that cake? I’m a fraud. It’s made from berries that aren’t even organic.

I can explain. Really, I can.

See, last week, I *thought* it would be a good idea to do my daughter’s 3rd birthday party at playgroup, since her birthday and the playgroup day coincide. Throwing a real party would be too much effort (second child).

I could make a cake!

We could sing ‘Happy Birthday‘, it would be grande!

All the mothers there are friends that I’ve made through an attachment parenting/baby wearing Facebook group. We’re all nice and crunchy and we all have a great time catching up every week.

So I asked the ominous question, “What sort things can I put in the cake?” My words came out in slow motion because I suddenly realized what I had done…

Well, my kids and I are vegetarian, so no eggs for us. My husband is vegan, and he’s coming, so no dairy for him. Little Johnny doesn’t eat gluten because it gives him a rash. Little Susie can’t have sugar, not even raw organic sugar… Have you ever tried making a gluten free cake without eggs? Impossible.

Ok, gluten free, dairy free, egg free, sugar free…. anything with gelatin, artificial colors, flavors and preservatives are so far off the radar, they almost didn’t make it into this post.

I’ll just do a raw vegan cake! Viola!

I mean, I’ve done a few raw things before… how hard can it be?

A few days later, my ayurvedic doctor told me that my daughter and I should avoid ALL coconut for a while. What the heck?! YOU CAN’T MAKE A RAW VEGAN CAKE WITHOUT COCONUT OIL!!! I mean, can you?? Whatever, we’ll just eat it this once.

A friend once made me a raw berry cake that I actually liked. I asked her to give me the recipe… “This will be perfect,” I thought.

So, there I was, putting the ingredients into the shopping trolley.

Organic cashews.

Organic almonds.

Organic frozen berries.

Organic raisins.

Organic shredded coconut.

HOLY CRAP! This cake is going to cost me like fifty dollars!!!!

Ok, put back some of the organic stuff and buy the conventional. Realise that I have to put back the organic berries because the quantity of organic berries I have to buy would be like $20 more than the conventional ones.

But, in case you didn’t know, berries are on the ‘dirty dozen‘ list. The list of the 12 worst foods to buy if they’re not organic. No crunchy mother buys non-organic berries, ok? They just don’t. And here I am, buying poison berries to give to the kids.

Oh man…

I just can’t justify spending $20 on berries that might get smashed on the floor at playgroup. Back and forth, back and forth, while the little one was holding her crotch and wiggling because she had to pee. So, into the trolley go the poison berries.

I chant ‘om namah shivaya‘ and ‘jai gurudev‘…  Just once… it will be ok.

I get home and remember to start soaking nuts and raisins. Then, I look at my 1 1/2 cups of almonds with the skins on and can’t consciously put the skins into the food processor, because I know, that according to ayurveda, the skins are hard to digest. So, I blanch them myself… but, I have to make sure that the hot water I use is below a certain temperature, as not to destroy the enzymes and make it un-raw. I mean, what’s the point of following a raw cake recipe if you’ve nullified the fact that it’s 100% raw by heating the almonds up too much. Sheesh. (Even if the berries are poison).

And did I tell you that I don’t have a thermomix… That means, instead of smooth thermie-perfect-raw-puree, I get something with about as much texture as a granola bar.

Chant “ommmmm….” It will all be ok.

Then, while I was making the berry part, I’m sure I screwed up the coconut oil because the berries were still half frozen and once the coconut oil hit the cold berries, the oil got all chunky. The kids were up with me *helping* at like ten o’clock at night. They were sooooo helpful! Their constant nagging and questions truly helped with my concentration and I was able to work in a relaxed atmosphere, without making any mistakes.

I then realized that I could have bought the organic berries because I needed much less berries than I originally thought.

Chant “ommmmmmmm….”

Finally, the cake is finished. It goes in the freezer. I bless it.

The kids licked the spatula before I put them to bed and they said it was weird, but yummy… Whatever.

Next year, I’ve decided I’ll be making an ‘air cake‘. It’s this awesome no-ingredient cake. Nobody can be allergic to it or have any aversions to any of the ingredients, because there are no ingredients. Brilliant!



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